Kim Jong-Un Drunkenly Planned Executions, Forgot Next Morning

This, folks, is why we should all be grateful that Donald Trump is a teetotaler.

If you only know Kim Jong-Un for his flawless pompadour, hatred of James Franco, and ruthless oppression of millions of his own people, then you’re about to get your first glimpse of the North Korean dictator’s lighter side.

You see, Kim likes to party.

Kim Jong Un on a Horse!

And there ain’t no party like a Kim Jong-Un party, because a Kim Jong-Un party features blacked-out execution orders.

Yes, according to Tokyo newspaper Shimbun, the Jonger got Stalin-grade wasted back in September and started laying the groundwork to have several of his generals convicted of treason and “disappeared.”

Fortunately, like your plans to totally grab brunch and then go rock-climbing last Sunday, the whole thing was completely forgotten by morning.

We assume that instead of overseeing a firing squad, Kimmy spent the afternoon binge-watching Stranger Things and drinking Gatorade. 

Kim Jong Un Haircut

Per the sources who described the incident to Shimbun, Kim got loaded and had the generals summoned to his summer villa for an all-night reprimand sesh.

“That none of you were able to produce not even one military satellite is a misconduct that is commensurate to treason,” Jong-Un reportedly told his underlings.

He concluded the boozy all-nighter by forcing them to write confession letters and coyly hinting that they were all to be rubbed out in the morning.

“Be careful about your health because you are all old,” a sh-thoused Kim allegedly slurred, his immaculate coif likely tousled into a fat-Elvis-in-his-second-encore disaster.

Kim Jong Un in North Korea

Basically, it was like that episode of Mad Men where Don and Peggy spend all night working on the Samsonite campaign, but at the end, Don has Peggy dragged outside and shot.

The frightened army officers were marched back to their sleeping quarters where we assume they spent the remainder of the night drafting badass final words.

But in the morning, instead of being blindfolded and offered a Marlboro, the generals were stunned to learn that they were the beneficiaries of a miracle that could only be the work of a loving God or Johnnie Walker.

Kim had apparently forgotten why they were at his home to begin with, a fact they probably pieced together when he sleepily offered to order them an Uber.

Kim Jong Un Photo

“They were relieved because they thought they were going to be purged,” a source was quoted as saying.

“Everyone is showing loyalty out of fear of being executed and no one dares speak against Kim.”

So if you’re in a management position, you may want to take note of Kim’s strategy:

Next time your staff is under-performing, just get loaded and threaten to murder them.

If those jerks from HR get involved, simply inform them you look forward to the sight of their heads on spikes outside your palace.

Be sure to shoot us a thank you when you land that promotion.

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